How to Deal with Financial Infidelity: Next Steps and Solutions

Jan: Together we got the loan, and then at some point, I received an extension to increase that loan. Initially, I just applied for a small amount, just thinking this would be a good backup or an emergency fund scenario. And then when I got approved, I got approved for the entire loan amount, which was way more than I was honestly looking for.

And then I sat with a couple of days and then I was just thinking that this would help me redirect my career. I was just hoping that that would be able to get me back on track. I was thinking, “Okay, cool. I can use this to start some kind of a small business or use it to generate some income for the lifestyle that both Emily and I want.” And then I took it and then I didn’t tell Emily about it, and then it just became this snowball that I became ashamed of.

Emily: I found out we were already under contract and our lender was requesting some information about this small business loan. Again, when we took it out, it was at the beginning of COVID. Jan had lost his job, which we knew we’d be set up for the whole year. We were aware that we were set. And so when he lost his job, it was all on me. And I had just started a new job, which is all commission based. So we knew at that point, okay, right now I have enough money to pay off that loan if we need. So I knew that if we’re taking it, I have the ability to pay it back, but it would give us a little cushion still considering or thinking that COVID would be done faster.

And so when our lender called and said, “Hey, I need these documents,” it was like, days had gone by and Jan keeps most of our– he’s very organized. He has everything in files. Everything is there. So I was like, “Babe, just send her the stuff. It’s all good. Just send her the stuff.”

And after a few days of that, I noticed that his mood was getting really weird. He kept saying, “They keep asking us for stuff. They keep asking us for stuff.” And I was like, “We haven’t done anything wrong. Open book, send them all.” And eventually, he just said, “I need to tell you something. I made a mistake.” And we were already a week and a half or two weeks into the home-buying process already.

I was walking home and he said the number and I just immediately like– sorry. I just immediately was like, “Am I going to be one of those wives whose husband gambles away all of their money?” Everything that I thought I had that I had been saving for the last year, working and working and working towards the thing, I didn’t have enough money to pay back that loan.

Ramit: I’m really enjoying this conversation. Yes, Jan made a mistake, a really dumb one, but he’s owned up to it. And Emily has acknowledged what happened and she’s accepted it. She said she’s not concerned he’ll do it again. I know a lot of you want me to sit here and beat Jan up, but that’s not what this podcast is about.

Everybody makes mistakes with their money, and you will often see me surprisingly compassionate when somebody does not know how to start investing. I mean, 90% of the time the people on this show don’t even read my book. I’m not going to blame them. I’m here to help them.

Now, I do get mad when people don’t take responsibility for their actions. But Jan has. He’s acknowledged it. He’s making amends. And I applaud him for that. And I applaud his partner, Emily, for accepting that and being so candid. Now, I want to go deeper. Again, I’m not interested in beating him up, but I want to make sure he understands why he took that loan out because if he does, he can get to the root cause of his lie around money.